What House, M.D. Teaches Us About Infertility

House is one of my favorite television shows. What can I say? The main character's particular blend of wit, genius, bitterness, and tragedy is appealing to me. Although the series makes ample use of its dramatic license, there are actually quite a few things to be learned and applied to the infertility patient's situation:

1. It will take a whole team to treat you. In fact, you will likely only see the head doctor for a few minutes. He will ask a couple questions (like if you've travelled recently), possibly insult you (call you a moron), and arrive at hasty conclusions. The rest of the time, he'll send his team members to deal with you.
2. The tests they use to diagnose you will hurt. You probably (hopefully) won't seize during an MRI, but you just might pass out during an endometrial biopsy. Hey, at least the lumbar puncture is unlikely!
3. Now is not the time for pleasantries. Do anything you have to, say anything you have to, if you want to get things done. Exposing an unsuspecting person's infidelity is optional.
4. Question everything. House doesn't automatically take what his patients tell him at face value; neither should you consider what your doctor says as Gospel. I'm not encouraging self-diagnosis, just a little self-motivated research on the diagnoses and medications you are dealing with.
5. If your RE tells you to give up charting, smoking, tidy whiteys, or wanking, for God's sake don't leave your charts, cigs, undies, or stained sheets lying around your apartment. Your doctor will send his minions to your home in search of incriminating evidence. (Okay, not really.)
6. It will probably take one mis-diagnosis and some incorrect medication before they find out what's really wrong with you. Don't worry, it probably isn't really lupus.